


Catfished

by knowledgeiscake



Category: Catfish: The TV Show, Sherlock - Fandom
Genre: Catfish AU, Internet Dating, M/M, Online Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-14
Updated: 2014-12-14
Packaged: 2018-02-17 07:31:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 6,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2301554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knowledgeiscake/pseuds/knowledgeiscake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they're not using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances. (Via Urban Dictionary)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 23 November 2013

**stoptalkingjuststop:** I’m sorry I wasn’t there.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I wanted to be there. I wanted to more than anything but I just couldn’t.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** It’s okay.

 **stoptalkingjuststop** : Are you sure?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Not really.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** It was your first time back in London for ages, our first chance and I blew it.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** It wasn’t the right time. We’ll get another chance.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Do you believe that?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Yes. Now tell me about your day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm just going to post this fic as I write it, no edits or nothing. Let's see how that goes.


	2. 7 May 2012

**Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Hey, I saw you posting in that terminal disease forum- can you really diagnose someone without ever seeing them?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Yes.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Amazing. Where did you go to med school?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I didn’t. I just read a lot.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** You can diagnose an adenoma just from reading some books about it?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I find myself with a lot of reading time.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I’m serious.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** So am I.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** That

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** That’s fucking amazing.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** You think so?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Of course.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Well I can’t always do it. Sometimes people exaggerate their symptoms.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Well, that happens with any patient.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I don’t suppose you have that problem often with your patients though. People tend to be fairly certain that they’ve been shot.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** How do you know I deal with GSWs?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Your username is hardly elusive.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Well that’s just not fair. You know so much about me and I know so little about you.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** …

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Do you have a picture of yourself?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Why would I send you a picture of myself? I don’t know you.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** It’s what people do online.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I see. Do you actually want a picture of me, or are you asking about my genitals?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Okay, point taken.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I don’t know your gender identity, you don’t know mine. That’s not even factoring in sexuality.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** There is no way of guessing if we’re sexually compatible.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Look, I get it. I’m not looking for a shag or anything. I just like to see who I’m talking to.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** We’re probably geographically compatible, considering your use of common British slang.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Hey, stoptalkingjuststop: Stop talking. Just stop.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** You’re very embarrassed. Let me guess. Heterosexual White Man from a middle class English family. Paid for medical school mostly on your own, joined the army out of some saviour complex.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** …I still don’t know anything about you.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** And I’m not going to tell you anything either.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Why not?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Because it’s none of your business.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Can I just have a name? Something to call you other than your username, which is a bit of a mouthful.

 **stoptalkingjuststop** : You can call me Sherlock.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer** : Well at least it’s a shorter fake name.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Why do you assume it’s fake?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I guess because I’ve never met anyone with that name before.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Well now you have.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Okay then. Hello, Sherlock. I’m John.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** And you said my name sounded fake.


	3. 12 May 2012

**stoptalkingjuststop:** Are you on active duty?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Sort of.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** What do you mean, sort of?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I just mean I’m on my break right now. So, you know. Not technically active.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** That wasn’t what I meant.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Then yes. I’m on active duty.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Where are you stationed?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Afghanistan.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Far away from home.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I don’t mind it, the country is beautiful. It’s amazingly green and the culture is so interesting.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** You sound like a travel ad.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Well I mean it.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Are you recommending that I visit sometime?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I wouldn’t say that. Just that it’s not what most people think.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I see.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** How’s London then?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** What makes you think I’m in London?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** You guessed that I was from London and you said we were geographically compatible.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I’m impressed.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** It’s not that amazing.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** No, I’m just surprised you’re not a complete idiot. Most people are.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** You really don’t like people, do you?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I really don’t. I make the occasional exception, but it’s not common.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Am I an exception?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I don’t know yet.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** But so far not completely deplorable.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** So far.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** London is the same as it always is, by the way. Simultaneously depressing and full of reasons to be alive.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I know exactly what you mean.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** What do you do for a living?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I don’t exactly have a job right now.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Oh, I’m sorry.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Don’t be. I just happen to not fit into the typical job market.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** See, now you just sound like one of those posh kids who don’t like working.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Just because I don’t have a job doesn’t mean I don’t work.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Okay, fine, what do you do?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I’m a consulting detective.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Sounds a lot like a job.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** They don’t pay me.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Ahhhhh. I see. So what does a consulting detective do?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** The police are incompetent idiots, so they bring me in to basically solve their cases for them.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Wow.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** That’s actually kind of amazing. They let an amateur do that?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** What makes you assume I’m an amateur?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Isn’t the definition of a professional that they get paid?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Shut up.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** No. I like talking to you. Best conversation I’ve had in ages.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Funnily enough, I feel the same.


	4. 17 May 2012

**Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I’m having an awful day. Talk about yours to make mine less horrible.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I don’t think me talking about corpses and blood spatter will make you feel better.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Please?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** …Fine. Lately I’ve been working on a case of so-called “serial suicides”.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** You disagree?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I think anyone who believes these are suicides is an idiot.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** The most recent victim was an affluent reporter who scratched her dying words into a hardwood floor. And her dying words were definitely not a suicide note.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** What did she write?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** “Rachel”.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** And now you have to find Rachel, right? This is exciting, like a mystery novel!

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Better than mystery novels, because it’s real.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Exactly!!

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Sorry, it’s just that sometimes the only excitement I see in a day is in a book.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** You’re stationed in Afghanistan. You have difficulty finding adventure there?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I said sometimes. Sometimes nothing happens for days out here.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Ugh. That sounds awful.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I bet you don’t have that problem often.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** In a dream world, I would never have it at all.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** So what’s next for the big case?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I found the victim’s suitcase, but not her cellphone. Next I have to find that. I’m fairly confident that the killer has it, so all I have to do is get her number and text it.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Oh. That sounds dangerous. You’ll have police back-up, won’t you?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Why would I need that?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** For safety, obviously.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** No, I will not have back-up.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I work alone.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** That sounds lonely.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** It’s not, I enjoy it.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** You don’t miss having someone to bounce ideas off of? Someone to talk to?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** No. I don’t need anyone.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** My apologies, John, but I need to go take care of some business now.

_[stoptalkingjuststop has signed off]_

**Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Okay. Bye.


	5. 14 June 2012

**stoptalkingjuststop:** Hey.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Hey. It’s been a while

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Less than a month.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I think “a while” would be at least two months.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Are you just deflecting because you don’t want to admit that you missed me?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** NO.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I missed you too. I was almost getting worried, actually.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Why?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I thought something might have gone wrong with the case.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Oh, that. I actually found the killer quite easily. He tried to use the same trick on me that he used on all his other victims, but I was too clever for him.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** No matter how much I hear about your work, it never stops seeming amazing.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** What about you? What have you been doing?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** More of the same. Setting broken arms, giving stitches, disinfecting bullet holes. We did get a snake bite the other day. That was interesting. My life isn’t half as amazing as yours.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** On the contrary, I find your adventures fascinating. What kind of snake was it?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** It was a

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** desert horned viper.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Nasty looking things.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** But we had the anti-venom on hand, so we got to him in time.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Does that happen often?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Snake bites? It’s not the most common thing, but it’s not unheard of.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Do you have a wife?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** That’s an abrupt change of topic.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** You seem like the kind of person who settles and marries early.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I’m not married.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** But you wish you were.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I don’t see it happening any time soon, actually. That’s just not where I am in life. I’m a little difficult to be with at the moment.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** But you wish you were married.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** …I wish I had someone.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** You’re relatively intelligent and confident. It will happen eventually.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Not much to look at though.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I have no way of confirming or denying that. I would need photographic reference.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Hold on.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** What do you think?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:**  

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** That’s the most recent thing I think I have. From Christmas a few years back.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** …You don’t look very happy.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Do you enjoy holidays with your family?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I despise them. I wish my family would stop visiting altogether.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** You just want to break off all ties?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Nothing would make me happier.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** That’s a bit harsh.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** To someone who has no idea what they’re talking about? Maybe.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I guess so.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Sherlock, I don’t want to fight again.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Then let’s not.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I liked your picture by the way.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** You look nice.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Thank you.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Does this mean I get to see a photo of you?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Mummy told me not to talk to strangers on the internet.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Ah. Wouldn’t want to upset mummy.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Actually I am very passionate about upsetting Mummy.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Here.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:**

**stoptalkingjuststop:** I don’t like having photos taken. This one is ancient.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** John?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Are you afk?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Sorry, got a little distracted.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** You look good.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** That could mean anything.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I mean you look nice. A little grumpy but nice.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Do you have one of you smiling?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** No. I don’t smile often anyway.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Oh. Okay.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I mean I am capable of fun.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** What do you do for fun then?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Cases. Always more cases. I think I’ve got a good one in the works. A nearly impossible break in.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** You have to let me know what happens, whodunit.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** You’re actually interested in all this then?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** It’s often the highlight of my day.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** You know. Aside from the saving lives thing.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Who could forget the saving lives thing.


	6. 14 June 2012- Part II

“Sherlock? You’ve been on there for a while and someone else needs to use the computer.”

Sherlock rolled his eyes with a heavy, dramatic sigh. “Fine, yes, I’ll be done in just a moment.”

“No, Sherlock. You have to get off now.”

They always say your name, to make you feel like they care and they understand you. He absolutely hated it. It was fake and depressing and just felt wrong inside his ear. “I heard you. I just have to say goodbye to my friend-“

A new voice piped up, “Holmes’s got a friend? I seriously doubt it.”

“Anderson I will throttle you.” Sherlock snapped.

“No. No fighting!” the desperately incompetent nurse tried to place herself between the two men, acting as a human wall. But her efforts could only do so much, as Anderson ducked under her arm, scrambling to unplug the decrepit desktop computer. The plastic cinderblock jerked as its power was yanked away, screen cutting quickly to black.

                Sherlock saw blazing red in that moment. “You idiot! I was talking to someone!”

                “Tough shit,” Anderson sneered, “It’s my turn now.”

                He could barely stop from screaming. Anderson made his blood boil on a good day, but now John would wonder where he went, maybe he’d even think that Sherlock deliberately cut the conversation short. Whole body shaking, he stomped out of the computer room, trying to put as much space as possible between himself and the moribund morons he was forced to share the earth with.

                As he stood in the hallway, forcing his breathing to calm, the nurse from before approached him hesitantly. “Sherlock? Sherlock, I know you’re upset. But we need to remember our anger management training, right? Deep breaths, staying calm, and centering ourselves on the things we have the power to change.”

                Blah blah blah jibber jabber, God that was all these people _did_!  Still he found himself inhaling slowly, if only to get the nurse to shut up and go away. In, hold, out. In, hold, out.

                “There, that’s great.” The nurse smiled encouragingly, “Now, how are we going to deal with our anger?

                “Internally and calmly,” Sherlock grumbled through gritted teeth. They’d been drilling that into all the patients since day one.

                “And what don’t we need?”

                 “Drugs. I am capable of controlling my own habits and my own destiny.” He could barely believe that they actually had him parroting back The Official Mantra, as if he hadn’t been sneaking coke in through the custodians, as if he actually gave half a damn what anyone in this hell-hole thought about him, and as if he really was trying to get better.

                The perky nurse appeared to be happy enough now.  She gently patted Sherlock’s shoulder, still grinning. “That’s the attitude. And I’m sure you can talk to your friend again after Anderson is done.”

                Useless, he thought as she walked away, John wouldn’t be online later. He would be starting his shift soon, and British soldiers stationed in Afghanistan didn’t tend to adjust their schedules for rehab patients in Croydon. Return rehab patients. Returning for the fourth time in the last five years. Each time Mycroft said it was the last; that he wouldn’t help Sherlock when he was back on the streets. But every time Mycroft was still there, holding his smug hand out and waiting for his little brother to take it. Sherlock hated rehab, but he liked the coffee and the warm place to sleep and the rather extensive library. This facility even had computers. Well, a computer and a dusty fax machine. Sherlock had been able to read up on all the new cases and how the police were getting everything horrifically wrong. Sometimes he called in anonymous tips, but mostly he didn’t. Mostly he read and thought about how to get his next hit.

                Once his breathing had calmed down, Sherlock turned and padded slowly towards the library. There was some research he wanted to do. First topic: desert horned vipers.


	7. 22 June 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about any false alarms you may have gotten about chapter 7, this one is real!

**Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Hey! Good to see you online again!

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Hello. Things came up. I apologize for my repeated sudden disappearances.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** It’s fine, I just missed talking to you.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Why? I don’t offer any ground breaking discussion topics.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I know. Well, you sort of do... I guess there just aren’t a lot of people to talk to here.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Soldiers don’t make for stimulating conversation?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** They’re great, they very much are. But not all the time. It’s hard to explain. It’s like when you go to school and then you get tired of talking to all the people there. A new perspective is appreciated.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Ah. I like talking to you too.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Did the break-in case go well?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Fantastically. It was all part of an elaborate antique smuggling ring.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Really?! That’s outstanding! How did you figure it out?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** It’s a long story, and unfortunately I’m a little tired now.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Oh. Sorry.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Why don’t you tell me a bit about what’s happening in your part of the world? I’d like to hear about that.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** My life is so full of injury and sadness. Not the most fun topic. We should talk about something else, like the weather.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I already know what the weather is like where you are: hot and dry. And in London it is: cold and rainy.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Politics?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I have no opinion on the King.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Queen?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Whatever.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** What do you want to talk about then?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I told you, I want to hear you talk about yourself. I want to know more about you.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Well… I like reading, going on walks. I told you, everything about me is either sad or boring or both.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** It’s not boring to me.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** You’re sweet, you know that?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I’m honest.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Sherlock, is everything alright?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** No.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Yes.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I don’t know.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I’m sorry.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** No reason to be sorry. I think I know how you feel.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Impossible.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Right, anyone doing anything the way you do it is impossible, isn’t it?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** You make me sound so conceited.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Because you bloody well are. Just talk to me like a human, Sherlock! Like I’m a human, like you’re a human, like we’re both just people.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Fine.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** You’re the best friend I’ve had in a long time.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** The best human interaction really.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Don’t you get to talk to people at crime scenes? Surely you’ve made friends with the police.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** No. Not really.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Oh. Well, I’m sorry. I’d love to be your friend.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I care about you and your day and how you feel and all those other things.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** The feeling is mutual.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I don’t get to talk to many people, but if given the choice I think I would almost always talk to you.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** What exactly are we saying here?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I don’t know. You figure it out. You’re the one with a medical degree. Use that higher learning to your advantage.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** It doesn’t make practical sense.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Practical sense has never been a primary goal in my life.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** …

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer** : I have to go. Can we talk about this some other time? Soon?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Fine. Just don’t expect me to have come up with a solution by then.

_[Dr_Sig_Sauer has signed off]_


	8. 22 June 2012 - Part II

                John closed his eyes and his laptop in the same movement. Leaning back, he settled into the cushions, taking some deep breaths in preparation for what he knew was coming.

                “Dr. Watson? It’s time for your physical therapy.”

                Ah, and there it was. John blinked his eyes back open, sighing heavily before offering the nurse a small smile. “Hi Catherine,” he said, sitting up again, “Just give me a second here.” Scooting to the edge of the bed, he took a few moments to prepare himself for the task of getting up. He looked down at the cold linoleum floor until he couldn’t stand it anymore. It wasn’t the floor that bothered him, it was his legs. They looked thin and saggy and sickly from lack of use. The nurses tried to get him up and moving several times a day, but his legs were still so shaky, and his shoulder often hurt too much to use the walker properly. Those were things he could have gotten past at any other point, but then there was the depression. It hadn’t been so bad until they told him that he was being discharged, and that was when he ran out of reasons to keep trying.

                “I think today we should try going up some stairs again, what do you think John?” Catherine was always so positive and sweet, even though John had been in the hospital much longer than anyone ever expected. John could just never quite match her energy.

                But today he tried something new. Today, as he slowly edged off the mattress, toes touching the cold tile, he thought about Sherlock. He imagined his new friend standing in the hallway outside, waiting for him, so that they could go to the park. John could get up for that.

                Legs quivering, he slowly got to his feet, though still he was clinging to the bed frame. Catherine reached out, taking John’s hand and gently leading him away from his support structure. “I’ve got it,” he mumbled, focusing deeply to hold his balance. Even with all his extra effort, it took quite a while to take his first steps, but he did eventually make it to the hallway. No sign of Sherlock though.


	9. 7 July 2012

**Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I’ve been meaning to thank you.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I haven’t done anything that deserves thanks.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** No, you really have.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I’ve been working on something for a while, and I finally got it done the other day.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I’m still not sure what this has to do with me.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Well, I thought about you and all the amazing things you do. I figured if you can solve murders then I can do something simple like what I was facing.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Ah. Well, you’re welcome. I’ve experienced some similar things as well when thinking of you.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Seriously?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Yes?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Why would I joke about that? It’s not even amusing unless I am missing some big clues here. I’ve been told that I often fail to understand obvious jokes.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Sorry, no. Of course it’s not a joke.  I just found it hard to believe is all.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Why is that?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Because I don’t think I’m inspirational.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** You’re a doctor and you’re also a soldier. Two of the most inspiring fields, I’m told.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I guess that’s not just the way I see myself.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** … you know, we never really got back to talking about that one thing.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Smooth transition.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Fine, we won’t talk about it at all.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** What if I want to talk about it?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** ?????!

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Then let’s fucking talk about it!

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Hmm. I’m not sure.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** You are awful you are actually the worst I am done.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** It’s a joke. It’s a joke, John. This is the part where you laugh and tell me how good I am getting at jokes.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Can we take this seriously though? Please.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** It’s geographically illogical.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Is that the only problem you have with it?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** …

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Yes, I think so. Mostly.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** When are you on leave next?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** …Not for a while.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** How long?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** More than a year.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** But you can come back for Christmas, can’t you?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Someone has to stay back and make sure the whole camp doesn’t get the flu.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Then it’s not practical. We can’t do it.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Okay.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** But you still want it to happen, don’t you?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Don’t we both?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Maybe.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** We’ll just set that aside. And if it happens then it happens but we won’t force it and we won’t worry about it.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** That sounds like a horrible plan.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Let’s do something.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** …Yeah.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Yeah, okay.


	10. 13 September 2012

**stoptalkingjuststop:** Good morning.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Morning. How did you sleep last night?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Ha ha ha.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** You do have to actually sleep, you know that right? Sleep is a required part of human existence.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** You’re worse than a mum.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I certainly hope you like me more than you like your mum.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I do.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** But really, don’t you worry about the whole not sleeping lark?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Not really. I don’t need it.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Yes you do, love. All humans need sleep.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** And I get a whole three hours every night.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Ninny.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I’m not a ninny, I’m a genius.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** You can be both, I promise. I think I know you well enough.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** You can’t say that, you’ve never met me.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** But I know you, don’t I?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** …Yes, I suppose so.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Ninny-genius.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** You too.


	11. 1 October 2012

**Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Hey there stranger.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** What are you up to today?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Today’s my day off, actually. I’ve got nothing but free time and not a lot to do.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I keep meaning to ask for your mailing address so I can send you a care package.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Is that weird?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** It’s not weird.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** …But you don’t want me to send you anything, I sense?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I’d love that actually. Even a letter would be amazing.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** But?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** But they’re thinking of having me move bases.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Ah. I see how that might complicate some things.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Where are they going to send you?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Not sure. But someplace where they need me more, so probably dangerous.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Can you refuse?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** That kind of goes against the idea of being in the military.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Then stop being in the military!

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** That’s not really how it works, Sherlock.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I know. I know; I’m not an idiot. I was just… expressing.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Are you confessing to actually having an emotion?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** John, I’m being serious.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I can’t just leave. I made obligations. There’s a reason I’m here.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** What is that reason?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** …Because I can’t be home right now.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Did something bad happen in England?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** No. Just some things that I don’t know how to deal with yet. I can’t face them.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Is that cowardly?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I can’t make any judgment since I don’t know the situation.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** But I wish you were here.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Me too.


	12. 29 November 2012

**Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Got any exciting plans for Christmas this year?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Should I?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** What does that mean?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Will there be interesting people to do interesting things with me?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Sherlock, I told you. I won’t be back for a while.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** You refuse to say when.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Because I don’t know for sure.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Surely that’s not allowed. They have to tell you.

 **Dr_Sig _Sauer:** Can we talk about something else? Something happy? Like Christmas?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I’m not doing anything special. My brother might come to visit and I will refuse to see him, same as always.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** What about your parents?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** No.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** You won’t see them, or they won’t come? Or they’re not alive?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** They will want to see me. I will tell them not to come.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Complicated relationship, eh?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** As I believe you just said, can’t we talk about something happy?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Okay. Let’s talk about the best Christmas ever.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** What would that be?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Us. We’ll get a big tree, cover it with fairy lights. And piles of presents in shiny paper. And hot cocoa with enormous marshmallows- big as your fist.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** …Not fairy lights. Strings of test tubes filled with bioluminescent material. I learned how to make those when I was twelve, but my mother said I couldn’t put them on our tree.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Perfect, then we’ll have bioluminescent test-tube lights. And biscuits and cake and mistletoe.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Mistletoe?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Sorry. I’m making things weird again.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Well it is highly poisonous. Perhaps some holly instead.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Holly causes vomiting and diarrhea.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Fantastic.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Vomiting and diarrhea is fantastic?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** It’s certainly better than death.


	13. 25 December 2012

     Christmas came suddenly- like a pop up blizzard that covered the whole facility in a thick white blanket. If there was a gradual build-up, Sherlock hadn’t seen it. But then Sherlock hadn’t really been paying much attention lately. He’d tried, forcing himself to make deductions about his fellow patients and shout rude things during group discussion. But most of his mind was often on John- worrying and fussing, trying to imagine what John was hiding from him (because there was definitely something). Christmas morning he barely even touched his pancake shaped like a snowman. The nurses had to prod him and sit by until he ate every bite, because no one bloody trusts you after you pass out on three or four different occasions.

     After breakfast, everyone spent their time preparing for the family visits. Sherlock considered making a card for Mycroft telling him to fuck off and Have a Happy Christmas, but even that much effort would imply that he cared if his brother came. Still, the nurses made sure he was in the visitor’s room when Mycroft arrived, looking pedantic and pretentious as always.

     "Happy Christmas, Sherlock."

     "Why are you here?" He grumbled, pointedly looking everywhere in the room except at his brother."

     "To visit. And to get some answers. Why are you still here, Sherlock?"

     "Because I'm still addicted and crazy, obviously."

     Mycroft offered a small, knowing smile. "The doctors cleared you for release three weeks ago. They said you elected to stay longer. Now why would you do something like that?"

     Sherlock knew he had been rather foolish to assume that his brother wouldn’t have done his research. "It's none of your business," he snapped.

     “I’m just curious as to why the most easily bored person I know would choose to avoid a chance at a new environment. Cases, Sherlock. You could have cases again.”

     “Maybe I find the people here interesting.”

     “That’s not even a creative lie, little brother. Now tell me: what are you afraid of?”

     Sherlock scowled, pulling his knees up against his chest, glaring over them with a burning hatred. “Mostly I’m afraid of getting fat like you.”

\--

     "No, Harry. Honestly, it's fine. I don't mind at all... Say hello to Clara for me... Happy Christmas. Don't forget to take something for that headache."

     John hung up the phone as he limped into his little kitchenette, setting it down so he could rummage through the cupboard in search of the terrible instant coffee he'd bought at the corner store. As he drank it, he reflected on the fact that he should probably be upset that his holiday plans had been ruined. But putting off anyone seeing his pitiful bedsit was reason enough for him to celebrate. It consisted of little more than a bed, a table, and toilet. There was more, of course. Chairs, a rug, a microwave. And a laptop. The laptop was nice. It would overheat a little sometimes, but John's hands often got cold anyway, so it was nice. He used it to look at jobs he would never actually apply for, to peck out halfhearted therapist prescribed blog posts, and to talk to Sherlock.

     John sat down at the desk and logged in; smiling as he saw that his friend had already sent him a message.

\--

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Christmas is stupid.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I think I feel the same.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Happy Christmas regardless.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Happy Christmas.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I thought I was going to hear from my sister, but I didn’t and I don’t even care.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** My brother is a know-it-all dickhead and I definitely don’t care.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I love you.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Sorry, we haven’t really said that yet. I just… today I realized that the person I wanted to be with the most is you.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** That’s weird, I’m so sorry.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** No, it’s okay. I think I know what you mean.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I’m not ready to say the same yet. Is that alright?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I understand completely.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Just know that somewhere in the world is a John Watson who cares about you.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I’ll make a note of it.


	14. 27 December 2012

_“Just know that somewhere in the world is a John Watson who cares about you.”_

     John Watson. It had never been possible to track him down before. There were hundreds of Johns in the RAMC, but John Watson was a proper name, and now Sherlock could trace it. He could find his friend. He could possibly even bully Mycroft into getting him home sooner.

     If the morons who ran the damned facility didn’t insist on “regular sleeping hours” and locking the bloody computer room, it would only have taken him twelve hours or so, but all that and being forced to share the internet access meant that it took Sherlock two days to track down John Watson. Well. Someone named John Watson.

     He had indeed been stationed in Afghanistan, but that had ended nearly a year ago. Medical Discharge. Shot in the left shoulder with repercussions throughout his body. There was only one picture Sherlock could find- on an abandoned facebook account, probably made jokingly by a friend or relative and never actually used by John himself. But the picture looked real.

     It looked very much like John, though nothing like he’d been picturing these past months. He looked tired but calm- before he enlisted then. Sherlock spent two hours just picking that photo apart pixel by pixel until he forced himself to read the rest of the bare-bones profile.

 **Birthday:** July 7th

 **Gender:** Male

 **Interested in:** Women

 **Religious views:** Being a lonely sour dick who never calls his sister!!! D: <

 **Political views:** with lemon, no milk

     Should Sherlock assume that it was all a joke, including the sexuality? No, it seemed much more likely that John was either closeted or closeted until very recently. After all, Sherlock didn’t really understand most jokes, but he failed to see the humor in pretending to be a model and flirting with a crazy boy in London.

     Where was John now?

     Sherlock went back to his original search, digging deeper until he found exactly what he needed. John had a blog (Terribly formatted, Sherlock would have to explain the basics of web design at a later date). There were two posts. One just said “nothing”; the other elaborated that thought into “nothing happens to me”. The second post had a single comment that left Sherlock unable to move for twenty solid minutes.

_Hi John. I tried emailing you but it bounced back. how are things? I'm in London t the end of the month. Do you fancy meeting up? -Bill Murray. 21 December 17:46._

     Six days ago. John was most likely in London at that very moment. Pretending to be another person, lying about everything. Lying about who he was and what he was doing and pretending to be someone else who cared and was brave and said smart things.

     Lying lying fucking lying.


	15. January - March 2013

1 January 2013

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Happy New Year!

\--

7 January 2013

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Hey, we haven’t talked since Christmas!

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Are you even getting these messages? It says you’re online.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Hellooooo. Sherlock?

_[stoptalkingjuststop has signed off]_

**Dr_Sig_Sauer:** …Sherlock?

\--

23 January 2013

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** If you’re ignoring me you can just say so.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Though I suppose you would find that illogical.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Miss you.

\--

3 March 2013

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Is it because I said I loved you?


	16. 19 April 2013

**stoptalkingjuststop:** No.

**stoptalkingjuststop:** It’s not because of what you said.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Oh. Okay.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** That’s it, I just wanted to tell you that.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Thanks.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I don’t suppose you’ll tell me the actual reason, will you?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I needed time to think.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** What were you thinking about?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** You, mostly.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** And you’re sure that this isn’t because I said I loved you?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Positive. It was something else entirely.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** How are things in Afghanistan?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Fine, for the most part.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** There was a bloke with appendicitis the other day. That was a bit exciting.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Hmm. Was he in much pain?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** He kept trying to be calm, but I know it was bloody murder for him.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I see.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Something wrong?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** …No. No, I’m fine.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** It’s good talking to you again. I really really missed it.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I’ve always found our conversations illuminating.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Not sure that’s the same thing, but I’ll take it.


	17. 28 April 2013

     Sherlock had never been one to indulge in relaxing days spent longing about the house. Whenever he tried, he always got bored after about two hours. But today he spent the whole day in bed- doing research and chatting with John and he couldn’t be happier. He’d moved into a flat of his own over a month ago, and it was starting to feel like home. The kitchen smelled like chemicals and his books had taken over the spare room and the Egyptian cotton sheets felt like home. Tugging said sheets closer around himself, Sherlock clicked through to John’s blog, absently wondering if he’d written any posts recently.

     Nothing much had changed on the site. John had written a dismal little snippet about going to the shops, which was almost worse than the lie he’d told Sherlock about having to amputate a man’s arm. Deep down in the private depths of his mind, Sherlock might have been getting just a little bit concerned. His friend was painfully alone, but there was no possible way that the detective was ready to see him yet. He’d forgiven John, mostly, but things were still… in flux. It was complicated. Sherlock couldn’t begin to explain why he was waiting, but he was definitely not ready to even attempt at speaking to John. Not like that. Maybe just a message though.

\--

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Remember when you said you’d be on leave in about a year? Well it’s been nearly a year.


	18. 28 April 2013 - Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is extra short, but we're building back up to the return of Chapter 1 and some finagling must be done.

**stoptalkingjuststop:** Remember when you said you’d be on leave in about a year? Well it’s been nearly a year.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I think it’s coming up.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Soon?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Er…

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Yes.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** November.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** November? Really?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Yeah. I know it’s a bit far off, but that’s when I get leave.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** No, no, it’s fine. That’s… that’s at least something to look forward to.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** You still want to see me?

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Of course.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Do you still want to see me?

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** Yes, very much.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** Perfect. Then you come to London and we’ll see each other and… things will occur after that.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I’m a little nervous, to be completely honest.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I know. I feel the same. But it’s quite a way off still. Enough time to become less nervous.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** That’s a positive way of looking at it, I guess.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** It’s been a long time is all. A lot of build-up and who knows what kind of pay-off.

 **stoptalkingjuststop:** I think we know each other fairly well, don’t you? I know who I’m going to meet.

 **Dr_Sig_Sauer:** I suppose so.


	19. 28 April 2013 - Part III

John stared at his laptop for a long time, trying to figure out how and why he’d picked bloody _November_. He was already back, they could have met tomorrow. Or he could have just admitted the truth, or told Sherlock that he never wanted to see him.

But that wasn’t true. John wanted to see Sherlock more than anything. He’d returned to that one photo so many times, but… god he looked so _young_. Of course Sherlock had said it was an older picture, so he probably looked different now, but all the same John was feeling a little too old to be mixed up in something like this. He was actually, in real life, trying to figure out what to do about his secret online identity that he had used to trick a younger man (a _man_ ) into falling in love with him.

What was he going to do?! What would he even say? He should tell the truth. He should definitely tell the truth. But he still wanted to talk to Sherlock. He wanted to be friends and get to know him better and maybe be something more, but that wasn’t a requirement. It was 99.9% innocent.

Alright, slow down, Watson. He’d given himself until November. Seven whole months to come up with a reasonable explanation for why he’d done this. It would be a challenge, but he could do it. He was just going to have to get creative.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little tiny snippet, but hopefully more to come soon over the holidays. Feel better, Emily. <3


End file.
